STOP MENTIONING THE ‘C-WORD’!
If you’ve found me absent on the writing front for a little while, don’t worry it’s not because I was sent down by a bad bout of ‘COVID — 19’ it was just because my poor hands couldn’t even hack typing a few tiny keys on this keyboard. My hands have gotten so dry that even my wrinkles have wrinkles. I swear someone asked me the other day why I had a ‘chicken foot’ dangling out of my sleeve. Yeah, Sure, I’m no hand model to begin with but this continuous washing of hands to curb the coronavirus definitely isn’t helping me land that modelling commercial for Dove’s latest line of sustainable Shea Butter handcreams. Very soon with this amount of scrubbing and lathering I’ll have no hands left to wash, just creepy bony skeletal projections from my arm, like Salad Fingers or the Grim reaper.
The shops are selling out of pasta, rice and hand sanitizer, there’s been videos circulating of riots breaking out of shops over 2 ply tissue paper (no one wants their finger to pierce through let’s be honest). Today I walk into my local supermarket to apocalyptic scenes, shelves ransacked, all mutli-vitamin shelves emptied, all tinned tomatoes vanished, all pasta gone. Vitamins and a bowl of spaghetti while you sit on the sh*tter aren’t going to save you my dear. Can someone let them in on the secret, they’re obviously delusioned from the sheer panic and hysteria shared exclusively among the insane amongst us. I mean, when you have fist-fights breaking out over loo roll on days when it isn’t Black Friday or Boxing Day then you know sh*t well and truly has hit the metaphorical fan.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQv5PWMzI-w&feature=emb_title
Sky News Australia
People are now sporting their best impressions of either darth vader or your local garden strimmer guy with their blacked out respirators or full-frontal sun visors. Better yet are the pioneers among us who take it upon themselves to push beyond the forefronts of fashion’s most extreme faux pas moments and present us instead with a plethora of truly sensational head gear. See below for just a few of the upmost exquisite tastes on exhibition including: the fish bowl, the fully recyclable gallon-sized water bottle and my personal favourite cabbage-patch guy to name just a few.
Even if I don’t contract the thing, the word alone is making me sick, sick and tired that is! It’s like the new buzzword — out with ‘Brexit in with ‘COVID-19’. Understandable due to the severity of the virus but no less irritating than hearing people coughing and sneezing in my near proximity is hearing them spluttering the word ‘‘coronavirus’’ from their frothing mouths. Zombie apocalypses eat your heart out.
If I’m not sick of the name then I’m sick by default as a consequence of the scaremongering drama queen journalists! Every time I unlock my phone I’m greeted with outbreak SOS alerts The stress alone is going to have me punching people in the face over 2 ply tissue paper and crawling the aisles for some tinned tomatoes any day now, only to then retire to my room and have an onset episode of heart palpitations, followed by a panic attack, and a brief moment of blurred vision to top it all off before washing my hands for the 50th time in 5 minutes, sticking my head in the fish bowl and pulling the covers over my head just in time for beddy-byes. You know stress has been known to create all sorts of unexpected symptoms in people.
It’s not that I don’t think the situation should be taken seriously, ofcourse I do. It’s just that I’m feeling a little swamped with all of this information all at once.
From conspiracy theories to preventive measures , it’s all just too much:
Some of the best worst conspiracy theories:
- A “miracle” bleach product can cure coronavirus — this has to be one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard in my life. ‘Miracle Mineral Solution’ Where the only miracle that will be is if you manage to survive death by bleach. Doing this will kill more people than the bloody virus itself! Yeah don’t worry this will stop you geting the Corona virus, yeah because MMS take you before it does, that’s why!
- Alcohol can kill the coronavirus
- It’s prophetic
- Aliens did it
- It’s a made bioweapon
*I do not support or claim any of these to be true, I’m merely sharing information!
Some of the best imaginative/preventative measures people have taken in the midst of this real-life apocalypse.
This one’s my favourite for some reason. Not sure why.
**I don’t own any of these photos, copyright lies with the respective owners.
In all seriousness, the risks posed by this pandemic should not be taken lightly, I just use humour to cope or else I’d be in a ball under my bed reciting self-affirmations and downing omega-3 fish oil tablets as if there literally was no tomorrow. I truly hope a vaccine materialises soon. The first serious thing I’e written in this whole post.
